oh, you’re gonna be my bruise
The Word of Your Body, a song featured in the 2006 musical Spring Awakening, refers to a set of people realizing that their romantic feelings for one another are going to harm them. Essentially, they realize that they are falling for someone who has the potential to emotionally “bruise” them. Each person within the pairing comes to understand that physical wanting overpowers the fear of being hurt…it’s an acceptance of vulnerability.
A lot of vulnerability is a part of relationships, in general, platonic or not. Yet, for some reason, it seems more harmful and “scary” to be vulnerable in a romantic relationship. It feels scary to offer yourself up to someone-heart, mind, body-and not know what you might receive in return. Hopefully, it’s the same dedication and a feeling of sameness. But it isn’t always.
Sometimes there is a very large disconnect between physical wanting and emotional wanting.
Sometimes it’s the emotion and the feeling and the compassion and the understanding and the words and the mental connect that makes the relationship…but the lack of physical wanting is what brings it to its knees. It is not necessarily a bad thing to not physically desire the same person you emotionally seek refuge in…though it can be seemingly unfair for other party in your pairing. Personally, I’ve been on both sides of the equation and neither feel quite right once you understand the different variables and how they play parts in your equation. It feels almost selfish if you take refuge in someone emotionally, but you cannot seem to physically follow through, when you know they physically desire you.
However, there are also times when physical wanting is in abundance but emotionally…it doesn’t feel right. Maybe their personality strikes a chord with you. Maybe you refuse to allow yourself to become vulnerable. Or maybe they’re emotionally unavailable. Or blocked. Walls can be incredibly thick. I have only experienced being on one side of this…and it isn’t enjoyable…at all. You suddenly begin to feel very used very quickly. You almost feel obligated to continue being the physical supplier because at least you get to share some form of a relationship. You feel obligated to stay because for a moment…maybe even for a while, you feel appreciated and like you’re getting what you wanted…and maybe you’re feeling wanted and needed. In actuality, after you come down from the high of a nooner, you feel used and set aside for a moment of weakness to pass through your partner. It’s hollowing. It’s like getting paid for a service…but instead you’re being paid in praise. Half the time is spent wondering whether you should stand up for yourself and call the whole thing off…better to have no relationship than a maybe one that only comes around for physical stimulation, right? A quarter of the time is spent enjoying yourself…naturally. And the other quarter of time is spent ignoring it and pretending you don’t care at all about what’s going on.
It’s a slippery slope trying to not profess too much vulnerability but not jumping off the deep end into solitude.