Well, here we are…a long time has passed…something about you has changed. Is it your hair? Maybe that glimmer of hope in your eye…oh, it’s allergies? My mistake.
Nevertheless, friends, here we are. Well after a year since my last post and roughly halfway through this year.Tomorrow is the 30th of July, so I’m gathering we’re at the halfway point. A lot has been going on, with more stress and anguish than I know what to do with…but who is surprised by that?
I can’t entirely remember the first couple of months of this year, so I’ll just update that which I can remember.
February. In February, I got into a single car accident. Basically, I ran into some bushes. Shocking. If you know the kind of driver I am, you won’t bat an eye (bat an eye or bat an eyelash?). However, you will once you hear the total damages to make the car functioning again. Three grand. Which is quite a lot of moolah when you’re flat out broke and you know for damn sure your parents are going to make you pay every cent back (I’ll bet that bottom dollar, Annie). Naturally, we didn’t utilize insurance because then the premium would go up (hello, 21 year old reckless driver) at an insane rate. So, two weeks later, we’re 3K in the hole and back on the road.
March. From what I remember, quiet. School started up again in March, not like there was much of a vacation anyway…I finished my term out by taking an advanced seminar in developmental psychology and had actually fully dedicated to a masters program at this time. I needed to fully pick one, get letters of recommendation, and send out applications. There was no time for drama with friends or with family, quite honestly.I, much like a fame-obsessed Rachel Berry, was driven and ambitious. During the months of March, I was everything I ever strived to be. I was organized, meticulous, prepared, and focused. I applied to the Masters of Child Development program on campus at CSUSB with the guidance of faculty member,Kelly Campbell, who very quickly became a mentor to me and I remain grateful for her guidance and kind words. I came in, on the verge of a nervous breakdown because my GPA was a 3.14 or a 3.24 and the minimum for each program is at 3.0 even, sat down with her, and proceeded to explode every thought, question, and fear that I had. She reassured me that GPAs were not the only thing members of the board look at when selecting candidates for their programs. They also look for experience. Great. One less thing I have. She then reassured me (again) that a stellar personal statement would also help in areas I’m not so well covered. She asked me why I was so stressed and when I provided her with facts and figures, she just sighed and responded that she feels the majors I am attempting to apply for are ones I do not particularly enjoy. I didn’t disagree. I am a theatre student at heart and I truly wish I would have signed on to continue my theatre education…I would have been a lot happier. But the longer we thought about where my true passion lies and where my heart was at, she suggested I follow a more Child Development path, rather than a Cognitive Psychology path (which I had a greater likelihood of being accepted in anyway). With a heavy heart and more hope than brains, I sent in my application.
April. In April, my last “boyfriend” and I had broken up. Question: is it a breakup if you were never officially dating? We were never officially dating, despite the fact that we were mutually exclusive for six months steady…sidebar: someone explain to me this situation because I am still at a loss for words by it. Honestly, it wasn’t really a sad situation. I think the way it was handled was more sad than the actual situation. He and I were simply not right for each other. The guy cared a lot more about my body than my brain and I don’t work that way. To get the body working, the brain needs to be stroked a little more delicately. (And that’s putting it mildly). Not that I’m put off by sex (to quote Sherlock, “how would I know?”…which is an entirely different matter altogether), but I just didn’t trust him and apparently that was one of my “””many””” faults. Most of the issues that we had were that we didn’t really see eye to eye…on a variety of levels. For example, he had no respect for my parents. None whatsoever. He never even met them. Personally, I never offered for him to meet them because I keep my family life VERY separate from my social life. My family is incredibly strict and incredibly selective…with the way his personality was…my parents would have despised him. He was bland, condescending, pretentious, and seemingly unimpressed all the time. He would have issues that I couldn’t spend the night when I had expressed a variety of times that my parents would NOT allow that because, hello, he’s a boy (that they’d never met, of course, go Anisa) and I have a 9 pm curfew. He would get upset with curfew, get upset when I suggested he meet them, get annoyed when I said my parents made comments about seeing me wearing his clothing (this is issue #2, by the way, for all of you following along). He would get agitated that I never wanted to go out (issue #3) when I worked 30 hour work weeks and went to school twice a week all day (from 9 am-8pm). Those were my only days off from work and the rest of the time I had things to do…my apologies if I want to relax and lay down and be comfortable in bed with someone I felt comfortable with…I suppose I could see how he might be bored since he never worked. But, hey, we can’t all afford that luxury. His number one reason for being ready to break it off with me was that we never had sex. I didn’t trust him and I don’t think I need to go into more detail than that.I’m not necessarily waiting to get “older” or to get married, but I want to be completely comfortable with the person I’m with and that wasn’t him. I am incredibly self conscious and he never helped to alleviate that when he looked at me like I was a Chinese buffet. I am not a $12 all-you-can-eat meal ticket, buddy. I started to create distance with him after a fight we had. He said he didn’t have to speak to me if he didn’t want to anymore, so I told him to leave then. He did, I returned his stuff, we didn’t speak for a week. I texted him and asked what was going on (because nothing we ever did was talked about or official) and I got a good paragraph explaining how I wasn’t good enough…how my parents were too much, my “rigidity” was too much, my work schedule was too much…etc. I wasn’t worth it. Shocking. Sigh. It hurt to hear those things because you suddenly feel worthless, but then I remembered he was an antifeminist (like “I believe women should be in the kitchen” type of bullshit) piece of shit who never respected me and still laughs when he sees penises drawn on things/hears fart jokes.
Roughly two weeks later or three, I end up talking to a new guy who shares a lot about himself with me and I really like him. We go to sushi as a first date, we have some great inside jokes. He’s very vulnerable with me and I like it. He’s caring, attentive, sweet, personable, basically everything that was the opposite of the first guy. Not like I actively went out in search of those traits. Further, he actually shared really similar points of view (down to pro-choice, LGBTQ+ rights, BLM, political parties, cost of healthcare/education, Bernie Sanders, etc). Even book and movie choices were similar, but not similar enough that it was weird. Similar enough that we could recommend things to each other that the other hadn’t considered before. We’d gone on a date to Castle Park (minigolfing) and it was beyond the cutest thing. We’d had stir-fry at his place while we watched 13 Going on 30 while we ate Razzles that I ended up purchasing from a local ice cream shoppe. It was pretty cliche, but all around, good. He was good. It was good. We were good.
May. Right around the middle of May, I received my letter back from the masters program…I had been accepted, which was a HUGE deal! No one in my family has ever gone on to receive their masters before and it’s unreal. I am honestly still shocked that I was chosen and accepted…like, wow. Evidently I was 1/60 applicants, and 1/10 chosen. I can’t begin to fathom the qualities that I had that somehow made me a viable option, but I am certainly not complaining. Am I scared? Oh, completely. Am I excited? I am! But I’m scared to see what the future holds and hopefully I can do as much good as I have my heart set on doing…I intend to be a high school counselor (both for academics and other reasons) and hopefully I can steer kids to continue their education and find a path that fits them and is reasonable. I want kids to become more involved in the arts and foreign languages and consider the possibilities that the world has to offer. There is not one clear-cut path destined for every person,we must continuously strive to cut new and unique paths that match who we are. I just hope I can help with that.
At that time, the current guy and I were doing really well. Everything seemed well, he was going to meet my parents, he had already met my sister and my grandparents and it seemed okay. Life was beginning to look up.
June. Here’s where things start to get wonky.
I graduated in June, which was a strange feeling. It was a mixture of relief, pride, and blah. It was partly “meh” because, all I could think was, “well, I’ll be back in two years, doing the same thing” and so I didn’t think much of it, but at the same time I was so proud to be where I was, sitting in a room full of thousands of people who had completed the same curriculum I just had and understood everything I had endured for two solid years. My mother showed up with my pappou and my brother…they all sat on complete opposite sides of the arena from my father, stepmother, and two brothers. After the graduation, it was all a little surreal. My father and mother haven’t spoken to each other since I was 16. So this reunion was a bit…uncomfortable to say the least. My younger brother, Joshua’s snide comments were to no avail either.
We’d gone to lunch (my father, stepmother, and brothers) and by the end of the day, I was just glad to be done with everything. I ended up going to my grandparents later than night and then celebrating with a friend I hadn’t seen in a very long time and it felt nice to catch up and feel like a great weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I graduated June 18th…June 19th and June 20th I was to spend the night at my sister’s for her birthday. The day of June 18th…no text from my significant other (who is still not “official”) to congratulate me. June 19th…no text. My sister and I had gone to a mini concert for her benefit and I texted him…he seems distracted and out of it and doesn’t seem to care much. Naturally, I ask what is going on, he tells me his mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m not sure what to do with this. I apologize, I offer my condolences, I let him know I’m here. I still get left at the end of the night with nothing more to say. The next day, my sister and I head to Disneyland for more celebrating. I text him in the morning, ask how he is, ask what he knows…he says he’s moving with his family in San Francisco (six hours from me) in a week. We’d had breakfast within the week and he didn’t tell me that he was even considering it. So, I was upset. I mean, I understood, but I was upset. Our communications become a lot more limited from there on out…we’re quickly devolving. Neither of us knows what to do. My ideology is to become more attached, his is to become less. We speak once a week, if that. Our communications are limited, broken, like trying to speak in different languages neither of us is even remotely close to understanding. It’s basically the end. He knows it, I know it, but I don’t really want it to happen. I try for the next month to figure out what’s going on, where we are, and how his mom is…nothing. He tells me that he’s hit rock bottom, thinking about his ex a lot, and doesn’t think he can be what I “need him to be since I deserve better”. These are lines I’ve heard before and I’ve never liked them. I said some rude things…ended up apologizing…and we haven’t spoken since.I’m the poster child for “rock bottom” but I never let my emotional instability be an excuse for my actions…because it isn’t. I could go on for novels about the impact his meaningless words had on me, but I won’t.
July. My summer had been going slow…I was knocking off books from my reading list (Harry Potter, The Wrath and the Dawn, Endgame, Gone Girl), I was hanging out with my sister, I was working, I was doing laundry daily…I felt good. Better than good, almost. I felt on top of things. I was ready for school in the fall. Life was grand. Until about two weeks ago. I was driving with my sister, we were getting ready to get on the freeway when I ran a red light (unintentionally, obviously) and ended up striking a man on a motorcycle. He was hit and the damages to the vehicles was severe (on both ends), but he wasn’t too badly hurt. Mainly soft tissue damage (I am so glad he is okay, I can’t even express). But my car was totaled. My parents, if you’ve been following for a while you’d know how scary they can be, lost it.I cried for a week straight, I hardly came out of my room, I didn’t eat but once a day (IF that), etc. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I still don’t. I’m still walking on eggshells when it comes to speaking to them and they haven’t decided yet if we’re going to let insurance take the car and reimburse us the value OR if we’re going to keep it and pay out of pocket for repairs ($5100, plus the $1500 I still owe them from my accident in February). I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress right now and it seems as though life has stopped and it only revolves around this process with my car. I almost wish I could turn back time. I know things happen for a reason and this was clearly meant to happen as a learning experience, such like everything in life, I just wish it would move a little faster. I’d like to continue with my life and I feel very stuck right now.
We’re almost in August and school starts in September. I’m curious to see what the rest of the year holds for me. What I do know is that I am taking this time to focus on myself. I’m not really capable of seeing my friends right now, I don’t really have a desire for dating, and I have a lot more free time. It’s time I start focus on bettering myself for myself, getting a hold of my life, and becoming a more organized individual.
It’s time to grow up.
Until next time,