Rude, Ungrateful, No Good

These three words have defined me since I was a kid.

My mother always told me how much of a pain in the ass I was.

She still does.

Right now, I’ve never been more stressed out or unsure of myself. She’ll listen and I do appreciate that, and maybe I don’t know how to express exactly how nice that is, but she also turns on me and she always has.

My stress levels turn into a quick summary of the shittiest moments in my childhood. 

I’m thrown back into the pit of being treated like shit-degraded and offended.

I get instantly defensive. Wouldn’t you?

“You act like such a little bitch”.

Doesn’t that merit some form of defense?

I’ve always called her a bad mother, and while I was never beaten or abused, that doesn’t mean I was happy.

To this day, living with a neglectful father and a stepmother whose only concern in regards to me is whether or not I finish my weekly chores, I feel like a waste of space.

I abuse the people I love.

I praise the people I should despise.

I don’t mean to be such an asshole all the time, but it’s how I’ve been.

Consistently self-absorbed, rude, and ungrateful.

A no-good little shit.

I’m so defensive and self conscious now. I worry about everything. 

I’m depressed and worthless.

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. 

I’m entirely unmotivated to do anything…even the things that once struck me as interesting.

I’m pretentious. 

I’m irritating.

I’m the same way I’ve been since I was six years old.

I don’t think I’ll ever change and that’s more frightening than anything I’ve ever heard.

I don’t want to be this way.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy.

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