Different?

I’m different.

I know that. Not good, not bad. Just different. 

I don’t go out much, I don’t like getting drunk, I don’t hold conversations well…I’m a mess, in all honesty, most days.

I’m different…from my peers, my associates, my family, my friends.

My taste in nearly everything is different than that of general society.

Including the books I read, movies I watch, music I listen to, activities in which I partake…nearly everything.

Usually I am okay with that. It doesn’t affect me much, but I guess it genuinely starts to bother me when I feel how sincerely lonely I really am. It’s like it all starts sinking in, and, I don’t consider myself to be a terrible person. I don’t feel like I should be lonely? I’m consistently stuck between the cold, collected part of me that believes I need no one and the emotional train wreck I feel myself slipping into-clinging onto anything and everything, asking for any slight bit of attention I can get.

I’ve found myself thinking about someone who has been out of my life for long enough that I shouldn’t have any of my attention on them and, yet, I’m stuck on them.

I’ve found myself intentionally pissing off everyone I know because I find it humorous. 

I find myself easily offended…more so than I ever was. Nine times out of ten, I could care so much less about…everything.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. 

I want to get out of my head, out of my skin…out of it all. Out of everything. 

I’ve been stressing myself out so much more recently and it’s so unusual. I haven’t been stressed out for the last year or so. I don’t even have anything to worry about anymore.

I’m worried about my future WHICH is absolute bullshit. If I want to be a psychologist and study serial killers, I should be very well capable as long as I am well-read and well-versed. I shouldn’t be forced and sucked into studying maths and sciences and other things I find highly irrelevant to my intentional study. The Pythagorean Theorem is irrelevant to Jeffrey Dahmer. He didn’t kill anyone based on the shape of a triangle, much less the measurement of its hypotenuse.

I’m worrying so much more now that I’m an utter moron. 

I worry I won’t be good enough in the field I want to go into and, therefore, won’t get a job I’m even remotely interested in…if I’m physically capable of getting a job.

That’s one.

 

Two.

My friends.

There’s nothing wrong with them, I think?

I’m not sure?

My friends are…in a word, cryptic. At times.

For example, the couple of our group took a “sex addiction” quiz, essentially a quiz to determine if you have a sex addiction or something of the like. 

They both scored exceedingly high…

By exceedingly high, I mean, a 19 out of 20 on the scale wherein a 6 displays a sincere sex addiction.

The other friend and I in our little group decided it would be funny if she and I, both being virgins, took the exam. She, being very…pure (?) in a sense, and my mind…knowing how it can be…I assumed she would score much lower than I.

I scored a two.

She scored a nine.

Honestly, I wasn’t put off by it at first. In fact, it was funny. Including the fact that I got a 2. Naturally, I was confused, but it was understandable. Sex…I wouldn’t say “puts me off”, but…puts me off. I’d like to say it “doesn’t alarm me” (Sherlock quote), but how would I know? (Sherlock reference) I think I fear having sex because I think I am entirely unattractive. I’ve seen myself naked…it’s not a pretty picture. Also, I don’t know that I’d be any good at it. I think I would make it awkward. I guess I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me. I guess that makes me different from every other girl (and guy) because sex isn’t on my brain all the time. I felt like an infant.

It got worse, though, because then it started coming upon one member of the couple in our group claiming I’ve discussed sex with her. I’d like to consider myself a wholesome girl. I’m not saying “oh, I’m saving myself until marriage”, but I’m merely not prepared to have sex with just anyone. I’d like to consider myself tough-as-nails and willing to hook up with a random stranger because of a moment of heated passion, but I personally don’t see that happening in my life. I guess whatever I had told her had made me appear as a saint. Even her boyfriend claimed she and I had talked about sex and he was present while we were talking about it. I guess that just made me slightly uncomfortable and sort of made me realize that my friends don’t even really know me. I’m more than capable of “having fantasies” or whatever. I’m more than capable of “thinking dirty thoughts”. 

I don’t like to be underestimated. 

I’m not a child.

I guess that entire situation made me feel like that.

And before all of that, I had mentioned my worry over my future. My friend piped up with a “you mentioned this last week”. It wasn’t in a concerned way that she stated that, but more of a “can we not talk about this”, “I really think you should just get over it” type of way. That also sincerely bothered me. My future is exceptionally important to me.

Not knowing what to do has me absolutely terrified.

Something else that had me entirely terrified was a question posed by our group: “are you afraid of death?”

Obviously no one in the group knew that I am 100% afraid of death and dying. I can’t simply “look Death in the face and say ‘not today’.” It doesn’t work that way. But regardless, no one knew it and kind of stood aback as I nodded my head quietly in response to the question. I got a few surprised looks, and a few surprised responses. I was questioned about it and, to be honest, I would rather not talk about it. I expressed that, but I feel, as a group of my best friends, they should know these things about me. Yes, it is my fault that I have not informed them about this issue of mine, but I guess that leads me to another question posed by our group: “Is there at least one person you can confide in without fear of judgement?”

One of my friends in my group immediately responded yes, and I quietly sat there and shook my head indicating I didn’t feel that there was someone in which I can confide without fear of judgement. Given that this was a group of my seemingly best friends in the world, it seemed like a slap in the face…which it was not meant to be. I’m simply being honest with myself and them. I fear judgement and ridicule each time I open my mouth and it has me living in a very sheltered world. I’m closed off from just about everyone, save for a few people.

If them. 

I don’t feel like it’s their fault. I know it is mine and mine alone. I just feel like there is something deeply wrong with me.

I need to get out of here, maybe that’s what it is. 

Or maybe I need therapy.

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