I Can’t Decide Whether You Should Live or Die

Though you’ll probably go to heaven, please don’t hang your head and cry. No wonder why, my heart feels dead inside…it’s cold and hard and petrified…lock the doors and close the blinds, we’re going for a ride…

I am still stuck on a guy from my past. I know I shouldn’t be, but I can’t help but be brought back inside his circle. 

I’m not asking to be, but it’s like a knee-jerk reaction type of thing. 

Driving down a street that he and I have been down just brings up memories of the past. Thinking of kissing someone reminds me of how he kissed me-how his lips felt against mine, how his hands felt in mine…everything. It just sucks. It happens really slowly, then all at once, and then it just envelopes me. 

I wish I could stop thinking about him, but I sincerely could not. I haven’t been able to for a very long time. I think about it and it’s almost been two years since I’ve known the kid and it’s not getting easier at all. The time does nothing but remind me how long we’ve been apart. It’s weird because I want him to stop existing and being a part of my life altogether, despite the fact that he really isn’t a part of my life anymore? I know it doesn’t make sense, but it does to me?

What’s worse is he’s a fucking moron. Legitimately, he is not the brightest little bulb. He says some of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life AND I LOVE EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT.

I just want him to not affect me anymore or to not have an affect on me, but in the wee hours of the the night, where I am not doing anying, and I am alone with my thoughts…all I can think of is him and how nice it would be if he were beside me, holding me.

 

BUT THEN I REMEMBER how stupid he is. How little he sincerely cares about me.

And then I get sad.

And then I spend three hours sitting there, in utter agony, remembering all of the little things we did together and how it meant something to me and absolutely nothing to him.

I could kill him.

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