J.

So I know it is a bit trite and cliché to talk about this, but…it was a big part of my life.

I had some good memories with you and, honestly, I still miss you sometimes.

Sitting here now, remembering some of the moments we shared, all I can think about is how good it felt to be in your arms. Back then, even though we were going through a lot, it felt easier.
Sending you a little text to check in on you now seems like I’d be a burden. I miss you a lot.

I wish we could go back to the way things used to be, but we can’t. You’ve moved on and I’m happy for you, but it makes me wonder if everything you ever told me was a lie.

For a moment, I felt wanted. For a moment, I felt needed. For a moment, I felt like I was someone’s home.

I think I was just projecting ideas of things I so desperately needed.

I needed to feel wanted. I wanted to be needed so badly I made believe that I was. I wanted you, so I guess I projected that you wanted me back. I needed you and I needed to be needed, so I guess I projected that you needed me. I needed to be important in someone’s life and, well, I chose you.

It was a stupid mistake.

We were never friends. You and I were never each other’s safety. I never felt safe with you. I felt I had to consistently strive to separate myself from everyone else…make myself more unique to show that I was of some importance to your life.

But it didn’t matter. You treated me like I was insignificant anyway.

I got mad.

I overreacted and now we don’t speak.

It shouldn’t make me upset because you treated me like dirt, but it does.

I fell in love with someone who could not care less about me.

And it depresses me.

You know I remember everything about you?

The way your eyes crinkled when you laughed.
The way your hands shook.
That freckle on your cheek, next to your nose.
Your dimples.
Your brown eyes that looked like milk chocolate sunshine when the light caught them.
The way you laughed.
The way your hands fit in mine.
The way you looked at me, in that loving way, promising me with your eyes that there was no one more important that you’d like to see.
The way you would look at me, prepared to tell me exact what I wanted to hear, then would chuckle, only to look down and decide against it.
The way your lips felt, as they crashed against mine.
The way your tongue felt, gliding upon my lips, asking for entrance into my mouth.
The way your tongue felt, exploring every space of my mouth.
The way the goosebumps you gave me felt.
The way you looked at me so longingly and simultaneously so hollow because you knew you couldn’t give me what it was I so desperately needed.
The way it felt to be wanted by you. In that exact moment, you wanted me.

What sucks worst of all is thinking I learned something from you. Or that I benefited you.
I didn’t help you in the slightest. I didn’t make you stronger or more self confident. I didn’t give you any pieces of advice that could’ve helped you out in the long run. You ignored me and my pleas every chance you could. I learned nothing from you and I was of no impact on your life.

I was nothing to you and I always will be.

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