Ever since I was a small child, I have had this terrible fear of dying.
Not in a car accident, not gun shot…nothing like that. But dying of old age. My time on this earth coming to an end.
It is absolutely terrifying to me to think that one day I will close my eyes to go to sleep and they shall never again open. I will feel my last breath slipping from me, and even if I try, I won’t be able to catch it.
It’s terrifying to me to think of how many years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds you’ve left until that very moment. The very last moment. It terrifies me and causes me to wake up (even from the deepest sleep) and hyperventilate. I get a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, my heart starts racing, and I feel terribly nauseous.
It’s almost like a downside to realizing you’re an actual human being. You’re a ticking clock, really.
And whilst I’d like to think “this should be a sort of spiritual thing…I should realize that on such limited time, I shouldn’t waste it worrying about the little things. I shouldn’t waste it being angry and bitter. I should use all my time to my advantage-create stronger relationships with the ones I love”, but really…all I can think of is
“One day, I’m going to stop breathing. One day, I am going to cease to exist.”
It is 204 in the morning on December 22nd, 2013. I am cold and I am terrified.