Emotional Issues

I understand that I have deep seated emotional issues.

I understand that entirely.

I have called myself a multitude of unfortunate (and nearly false) things:

  • stupid
  • ugly
  • fat
  • moronic
  • insane
  • rude
  • crazy
  • diseased
  • lazy
  • a liar
The list could go on and on for days.
I suppose my question is how long can you hear yourself say these things about yourself before someone else says them and you really start to believe them?
You know, if that makes sense.
Exactly how many times can you hear yourself being called “a dumbass” (by both yourself and others) before one more person steps up and suddenly you’ve got these feelings of being that thing? How long before you’re hyperventilating, wasting hours considering the truth to that statement? How many times can you hear these names and let them slide by? How many times can you hear these names before you fight back and argue that you’re not any of those horrible things?
I’m sitting here realizing there isn’t an exact science to this kind of thing. Everyone is different.
In knowing that everyone is different, what exactly is a dumbass? What exactly constitutes as pretty? What is considered insane?
Personally, I haven’t the slightest idea. But I also know that everyone has a different idea of what the answers to these questions would be because, yet again, everyone is different. I believe that that means that if someone does not fit your definition of what smart is, or maybe what pretty is, or maybe what nice is…that does not justify you belittling them or making them feel insignificant or give them any anxiety.
Over the last few days, I have been put in predicaments where the limits of my patience are tested.
I have been ridiculed.
I have been belittled.
I have been “made fun of”.
Now, here is where I would pose yet another question.
Where do we draw the line between friendly “making fun” of someone and bullying?
Never would I ever consider myself the victim of bullying. It hasn’t even come remotely close to that. I am just curious.
My friends and I poke fun at each other, but being friends, we understand that it is a joke. Never would I ever make fun of a trait of one of my friends maliciously.
Perhaps it is my anxiety that gets the better of me, I’m not entirely sure. I suppose I dislike being told that I am useless or lazy. I was told something to that effect and, despite the fact that it was “good natured” (in the entire mental theme of “you’re my friend and therefore I can say things like these and we understand it’s a joke), it most certainly did not feel like a joke. Sure, I can be a little sensitive, but I am not friends with the person who said that to me. I don’t “hang out” with them on the weekends and I do not “grab lunch” with them. Are we associates? Sure. But friends? Not remotely close. Once again, I have said that I have anxiety and am slightly sensitive.
Anxiety is not something you make fun of someone about. Anxiety is not something you use to embarrass someone.
My anxiety issues have been the cause for many “jokes”. I don’t find them funny. My being “jumpy” may be slightly funny, entertaining, and sure, even I laugh at myself sometimes, but it is not something you should joke about. Ever. This includes my clumsiness, my “fidgety”ness,  and tendency to repeat things I’ve said.
I watch Star Trek. At this point, everyone knows that. That’s something else that does not need to be the “butt of every joke”. I have been told in a “sarcastic manner” that my opinions do not matter because I watch Star Trek. Oh, okay.
Maybe it’s because my dad makes so much fun of me and my friends and I make so much fun of each other that I don’t need it everywhere I turn. It can be tiresome, bothersome, and very irritating.
I have many issues with my self confidence. I’m not speaking in terms of my appearance, because that is a different topic entirely. Merely am I speaking in terms of capabilities and competence.
More often than not am I treated as an incompetent fool. I am seen as someone who needs to be “babysat” because I am clumsy (see anxiety), or not as knowledgeable as someone who came before me. This makes me feel like a moron. What’s worse is that I am very well aware that I am indeed NOT a moron, but one can’t help but wonder after having heard it a million times before. One million and one must be a lucky number. It starts to hit you when it’s someone you don’t know as well as opposed to someone you know exceptionally well. Because you start to believe it is a serious insult and not just a “joke”.
If you’re anything like me, that’s how it goes.
Then you start to second guess your every move, making sure you don’t look like an idiot. This causes for A LOT of anxiety and therefore, you become more jumpy and more easily startled. Giving others even more reason to make fun of you.
It is a never-ending, vicious cycle. and it needs to be stopped.
Who the fuck cares if you like watching Star Trek? You’re still important.
Why the fuck is it a joke if you have anxiety?
Who the fuck cares if you have a lot of freckles? You’re still beautiful.
I don’t understand why we can’t all just be a little more accepting.
If you’ve just met someone, I’d hold back on the jokes just a little bit until you’ve fully gaged how they are as a person. For all you know, this kind of stuff does sincerely bother them, but their *ahem* avoidant personality…might keep them from actually saying anything.
And to be honest, I think we’re all a little stupid sometimes. We say some shit we don’t mean, we don’t say some shit that we actually do mean and at the end of the day, everything’s a big jumble and someone’s writing a book about it.

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